Friday, October 07, 2005

Sidhu's Witticisms

  • That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
  • There is light at the end of the tunnel for India, but it's that of an incoming train which will run them over.
  • Experience is like a comb that life gives you when you are bald.
  • This quote was made after Ganguly called Dravid for a run and midway sent him back and Dravid was runout in the third test against the West Indies at Barbados."Ganguly has thrown a drowning man both ends of the rope."
  • Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taxi meter.
  • Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
  • Wickets are like wives - you never know which way they will turn!
  • He is like Indian three-wheeler which will suck a lot of diesel but cannot go beyond 30!
  • The Indians are going to beat the Kiwis! Let me tell you, my friend, that the Kiwi is the only bird in the whole world which does not have wings!
  • As uncomfortable as a bum on a porcupine.
  • The ball whizzes past like a bumble bee and the Indians are in the sea.
  • The Indians are finding the gaps like a pin in a haystack.
  • The pitch is as dead as a dodo.
  • Deep Dasgupta is as confused as a child is in a topless bar!
  • The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in falls and everything else falls.
  • Indian team without Sachin is like giving a Kiss without a Squeeze.
  • You cannot make Omlets without breaking the eggs.
  • Deep Dasgupta is not a Wicket Keeper, he is a goal keeper. He must be given a free transfer to Manchester United.
  • He will fight a rattlesnake and give it the first two bites too.
  • One, who doesn't throw the dice, can never expect to score a six.
  • This quote was made after Eddie Nichols, the third umpire, ruled Shivnarine Chanderpaul 'NOT OUT' in the second test at Port of Spain, T&T. "Eddie Nichols is a man who cannot find his own buttocks with his two hands."
  • Anybody can pilot a ship when the sea is calm.
  • Nobody travels on the road to success without a puncture or two.
  • You got to choose between tightening your belt or losing your pants.
  • The cat with gloves catches no mice.
  • Age has been perfect fire extinguisher for flaming youth.
  • You may have a heart of gold, but so does a hard-boiled egg
  • He is like a one-legged man in a bum kicking competition.
  • The third umpires should be changed as often as nappies and for the same reasons.

Saturday, June 25, 2005

An emotional mail from a mother to her son..

Dear banta
I am in a well here and hoping you are in the same well there. I'm writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles. I wont be able to send the address as the last Sardar who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to bring our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the commode. I'm not sure how it works. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.
The weather here isn't too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.
The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.
Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery.
By the way I took Bahu to our club's poolside. The manager is really badmash (idiot/stupid). He told her that two-piece swimming suit is not allowed in this club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?
Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle.
Your uncle, Jetinder fell in a nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.
Your best friend, Balwinder, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father's last wishes. His father had wished to be buried at sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.
There isn't much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.
P.S: Beta (son) , I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.

Tuesday, June 14, 2005

Dysfunctional section of a Hallmark store!

I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...
(Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.

Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost lifelike!

Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

Looking back over the years that we have been together, I can't help but wonder.....
(Inside card) - What the hell was I thinking

I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

Congrats on getting married...
(Inside card) - It's not everyday you decide to ruin your life.

Friday, June 10, 2005

A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming in pain
"Pleasedoctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

The doctor says, "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

The man says, "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

"No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

"Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

The doctor (now in anger), "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

The man (still screaming in pain), "On my finger! The bee stung me on my fingerand it really hurts"

The doc (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

(innocently) "How am i to know? All bees look the same to me."

A Son's letter to his Dad...

A father passing by his Son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed to "Dad" With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice-even with all her piercing's, tattoo's, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Joan said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Joan taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.

Your son,

PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home!!